Here’s an article I’ve just written, featured in YourDocMedical.co.uk
Having just attended a one day workshop on the Challenges of Teenagers, I’m keenly reminded of the difficult position this age group occupies. Caught in the middle of Childhood and Adulthood, this age group, which can begin as early as 9 and go on somewhere past 19+, is in the insecure position of ‘transition’. The brain and body is undergoing a rapid period of growth, rivalled only by the early stages of infancy and toddlerhood. Indeed theorists call this period the ‘second individuation’, the first being when a toddler begins to assert his/her independence from parents both physically and wilfully.
Individuation
As we know this is exactly what a young person must do in order to develop into a fully fledged adult in life. Move away from Mum and Dad, Care Home or Foster Parents in order to become independent. But what are the conditions from which this independence must form?
Research has shown that the seeds for successful independence are sown in the first individuation or toddler stage of life. If a child is praised and rewarded for their newfound freedom to choose and act independently their esteem is boosted and they feel pleased with their accomplishments. However, if they are chastised and shamed for their independent ways, they internalise these negative messages and feelings into what is known as the ‘Shadow’.
Carl Jung describes the ‘shadow’ as the negative criticisms and shames, which we hide, deny and repress as teenagers and adults. (Reference and further reading) The shadow then becomes a source of our anger, especially at others, who mirror the behaviours we were shamed and criticised for. We project our anger onto the person rather than the behaviour itself. Parents do this to children, who mirror the parent’s behaviour. The child is reflecting back what has been modelled for them. However, this is denied by the parent, who projects anger onto the child for ‘showing them up’. Thus a child begins to suffer from shame, which has been thrust upon them.
Shame versus Anger
Healthy shame, which says, I’m human and I’ve made a mistake’ can over time become ‘toxic shame’, which says ‘I am a mistake’. A teenager, who is suffering from toxic shame, will be experienced as very defensive and prickly, easily triggered to anger appearing to have ‘a chip on their shoulder’. Anger becomes a defense, because anger is easier to express than shame. Toxic shame is a wounding of the soul. Healing is possible through methods of externalising the internal shame.
Equally, a teenager can project their shadows onto others, criticising and blaming that which they deny exists within them. Again, becoming angry at the symptoms they see in others rather than the cause in themselves.
• To bring a shadow into the light, ask a teenager to write down three things they hate about others. When they have done this ask them to write down three things they hate about themselves. Now ask them to compare the two lists, inevitably they will spot a shadow, or behaviour which is the same on both lists. By recognising and openly admitting their shadow behaviour, they can learn to own it and do something about it, rather than blaming others for their own cause of anger and shame.
The Unmet Primary Need
Another source of anger in the ‘tween’ is the Unmet Primary Need. Human beings need to thrive not merely survive in this world. Survival is accomplished by eating, sleeping, drinking, breathing and excreting for example. Indeed our survival instincts keep us alive. However, our emotional and psychological needs must be met in order to thrive. To be valued, heard, listened to, acknowledged, appreciated and respected are just some of our Primary needs. This in an ongoing list, which is valid and necessary to feel loved and happy. When a primary need is not met, we feel fear and hurt, but this is quickly replaced by anger. Anger can be a gift in this instance, as it shows us where a need is not being met. Anger also shows us that something is not right. As adults we are responsible to meet our own needs, a teenager needs to learn how to do this for him/herself. When many Primary needs were not met as children, this will have an effect on the emergent transitioning teenager. A supportive adult can help by listening to the teenager and asking about their concerns in a non-judgemental manner. Listen for their fears and encourage open dialogue to enable them to learn to meet their own needs. When a teenager has identified an unmet need, ask him/her how they can get this need met? Encourage them to think ‘outside the box’ and use any resources that are available to them. Learning to meet one’s own needs is the key to successful adulthood. Learning the source of one’s anger is one of the keys to emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence and Regressive Anger
Emotional intelligence is evident when one learns to communicate their feelings assertively without shaming or blaming others. Taking responsibility for their own feelings is another task of the emergent teenager. This is done most successfully when we stay in the present with our anger. This becomes impossible when our anger is connected to an unresolved issue from the past, which can be ten minutes or ten years ago! This is called regressive anger, when the source of our anger is not what just occurred, but is actually connected to something in the past. We know we have historical anger when our behaviour reverts to the ‘temper tantrum’ stage of toddlerhood. We begin to ‘throw our toys out of the pram’. Regressive anger is powerful and with the added pressure of hormonal changes, the teenager is certainly prone to powerful bouts of regressive anger. Regressive anger indicates that our psyche is trying to gain closure on a past event. It is therefore essential to assist the teenager in ‘giving their inner child a voice’ in relation to past conflicts, meaning allowing them express what they needed to say to previous adults or individuals at the time of the conflict or trauma. By silencing their feelings at that time, which was probably connected to the fact that they felt unsafe to express their feelings, the areas of trauma and conflict have been unresolved within them and therefore is now a source of anger and pain. Giving the inner child a voice can be done by letter or by proxy to a supportive adult in the present, even if the person who was involved in the conflict is no longer available. This is the preferred method as the pain and resolution can be witnessed by another, which helps with the healing process.
This expression is necessary for both the exploder (aggressive) and imploder (passive aggressive) anger expression. Passive aggressive anger is internalised and is therefore more harmful for the individual who stores anger and has difficulty expressing it. The connection between anger and self –harming behaviour is close. Teaching a teen to express anger appropriately is giving them the ability to deal with conflict in a way which is safe for themselves as well as others.
Conclusion
Quite clearly transitioning from child to adult is an enormous task, which many achieve successfully, however it is essential for the teenager to learn how to manage feelings and behaviours which result from strong feelings, such as anger, in order to complete this task safely and with the least amount of disruption as possible. May we as professionals and caring adults provide the support and information necessary to help assist in this process.
References
Fisher, Mike (2005) Beating Anger (pg 56). Rider Publications
Author
Linda Bolland is the Director, Beating Anger Guildford/ The British Association of Anger Management (biography needed)
Linda Bolland is a Qualified Youth Worker and Anger Management Specialist. She has worked with groups and individuals for the past 17 years in Hampshire, London and West Sussex. Her work has been conducted in schools, prisons and private settings. She is also a trainer for the British Association of Anger Management. She is the Director of Beating Anger Guildford, through which she is available for consultation and Specialist.
