Is it a good thing for us to be bullied when we are young? Does it make us more mature, more rounded, more successful individuals when we are older?Or does it breed a society of victims and perpetrators?
An article in the Daily Mail recently (“Why it’s not always bad to be bullied” – David Derbyshire, 24th May2010) suggested that contrary to the popular view, bullying, whilst bad at the time can have a positive effect if a child stands up to the bully. The article suggests that children who stand up to a bully are generally more popular at school, admired by the teachers and mature faster.
However, the article does not make a distinction between the ‘playground spats’ mentioned and cases of real hard-core bullying. Lip service is paid to the depression and anxiety which often haunts the victims.
A follow-up article (“Sorry, but it can be GOOD for children to be bullied” – Dr. Helene Guldberg, 27th May 2010) takes a similar view, adding that society and indeed the courts labelling of everything from a minor disagreement to nuclear warfare as ‘bullying’ is muddying the water. She too propounds the view that bullying can be character building for those who can stand up to it. Dr. Guldberg, an expert in the field, makes further valid points. The classification of what is and what is not bulling is getting broader by the day. I see court cases are getting more plentiful by the day; compensation is getting higher by the day, workers in the field are ever increasing.
So, as an Anger Management Specialist, what is my view?
Arguments in the playground do not amount to bullying. Simple hurling of abuse, be it racial, religious, gender orientated or just plain insulting, does not constitute bullying. We all need to learn to cope with these events whether they are name calling at break-time or a one-fingered salute from another driver. One of the key lessons of Anger Management is not to take things personally. These small displays of anger are wholly about the perpetrator not the person they are aimed at.
Bullying is a sustained attack over a period of time. It can have a soul-destroying, corrosive effect if left unchallenged. All of us foster negative core beliefs, however small these beliefs they may be. Being a victim of sustained bullying can affect our self-esteem and can amplify any shame, guilt or negative beliefs we have about ourselves. We grow angry and turn our anger inwards, leading to spiral of anxiety, depression and even self-harming and suicide.
On occasions we turn it outwards as aggression and rage.
It is well documented what happens to the victim, but what about the bully in all of this? Often no more than a ticking-off. There is little serious action taken to emphasise how toxic this behaviour is, leaving them free to select another victim with relative impunity. The traumas of the victim are usually played out in private with the perpetrator either completely unchallenged or completely oblivious to the effect.
More worryingly, as in domestic violence or persistent workplace bullying, the bully either consciously or unconsciously revels in their perceived power making the bullying more likely to continue on longer.
For my part I feel that bullying is a behaviour that will never be eradicated but can be managed much better than it is at present. Simply classifying the bully as a demon and the bullied as a victim does nothing to solve the problem; indeed evidence suggests that it does exactly the opposite. It gives both of them a label, a stigma which they will carry forwards into their lives. Once the label has been applied, the person can play up to the label, bullies will don their ‘Intimidator’ guise at every possible opportunity and the victim will remain just that.
I absolutely abhor the idea that our children need to be protected from every unpleasantness that may (or more usually may not) befall them. I always remember my father telling me “Don’t touch the cooker, it’s still hot.” Indeed it was and I learnt a) what hot actually means, and b) to listen to advice. These days, I suppose a 5 metre high guard rail should be erected around the cooker at all times in case it happens to be hot, and that we should never learn what hot actually is. Regardless of Health and Safety, regardless of the powers-that-be inducing a climate of fear in every man, woman and child, the world still turns, children still fall out of trees and bullying will always happen – it is human nature. Much better to deal with things from that stand point.
So what do I suggest we do about it? I certainly do not suggest we wrap our children in cotton wool until they suffocate. I believe that we take the mature approach with them as soon as they are able to reason, and then support that approach throughout their formative years. We tell them that whilst it’s a great place to be, the world is not always fair, the sun does not always shine, and one day they may well be a victim of bullying. From that basis we can help them to roll with it and come out the other side. This can be done in the following ways:
- Be honest with them – bullying is never going to be stamped out, however many government initiatives there are, however many quangos they set up, at great expense to propound the latest theory.
- Teach them the safest way to deal with bullies – to look after their own personal emotional interests above anyone else. Not to take things personally.
- Remind everyone that it’s OK to have a different opinion.
- Provide a comprehensive and empathetic support network that they can call on to guide them through when it inevitably happens.
- Reassure them that bullying is not about the victim. It is the bully that has problems that need addressing.
- Keep the message fresh as they grow. Help them to take the message into their working lives.
- Find ways to connect with the bullies, to educate them and hopefully turn them around. Work with Assertive behaviour rather than aggressive behaviour. If we do not address the bully, they will just move on to the next victim.
As part of Anger Management we work on the theory that if you can clear your anger then you lessen it’s impact. If we can educate our children and young adults in dealing assertively with an attack of bullying, rather than handing it over to another to deal with, maybe we will end up with less people assuming the mantle of victim. If we can educate the bullies in ways in which they can see their behaviour for what it is, unaddressed anger that they are directing at someone else, then maybe we can help them find more fulfilling directions in life.
There is no way we can stop bullying happening but bullying has one key ingredient that we can remove – the victim.
