Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme, even though I know it could potentially be a healthier option for me and as a result, beneficial to my family, work and overall well-being?
A friend posted an interesting Facebook up-date today. It went something like this:
‘Somehow we lost 9 pairs of gloves at school last term which resulted in an almighty tantrum on my part on school property. My one New Year Resolution was not to erupt when we lost another. 6 days back and both boys have lost a pair !! I’m doing Vesuvius internally which isn’t a good look! Tips please ? Surely a pair on a ribbon going through the coat is no longer age appropriate!!! Grrrrrrrr &@£!’
She’s a dear friend and she’s crying out for help. She’s not erupting like a volcano on the outside but holding it all in. She thinks that if she finds a fool-proof way to keep the gloves save, her anger will disappear in a puff of smoke. But she’s wrong. As I wrote in reply, ‘It has nothing to with the gloves but everything to do with your anger.’ Let’s see how she responds. Having known her for 20 years, I expect she’ll initially be confused…“I haven’t got anger issues, I’m just mad that I’ve lost ten pairs of gloves, that’s all!”
The reason she’s imploding like a volcano internally isn’t about the gloves, it’s about something else that either happened weeks, days or hours ago. It’s the throw-away comment her husband said weeks ago that’s been chipping at her ever since. It’s the tut her boss made when she was late, not caring to ask why she was, following a morning from hell. It’s that thing which she hates in other people, which her parents told her not to do, but which she always wanted to do. It’s a hundred and one things, other than the gloves, which is making her see red.
This illustrates perfectly the opening question, ‘Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme?
Not only has she made a spectacle of herself at school by having a tantrum, but she has also embarrassed her kids, who have just watched their mum have a ‘botty-drop’ at school in front of all their friends and teachers.
The Children always Suffer
Come on, lets be honest. How often have we snapped at our kids, or even given them a sharp tug or look, out of frustration at ourselves, rather than anything they’ve done. I’ve done it… I’ve taken out my anger on my children because they were the easy targets, who won’t answer back. Children (and pets) will literally always get the fall-out. Our anger has a direct consequence on everyone around us. Just because my friend held her anger in doesn’t mean her family doesn’t know she’s seething. Everyone can feel it.
Here are Six Styles of Anger: See if you can recognise any in yourself?
Intimidator
Looks can kill, aggressive stance, shouting, eye-balling, body posturing.
Interrogator
A machine-gun spray of questions, “Why are you late? Where have you been? Who do you think your are?
Poor Me
Victim (the whiner), usually passive aggressive (anger expressed sideways).
Distancer
Walks away and intellectualises everything, very rational, also very passive aggressive. One can’t ever really even have an argument because everything is so rational. The realm of feelings is a total no-go zone.
Winder Upper
Gets others to express their anger by ‘taking the mickey’, when challenged they say ‘I’m only joking, don’t take it so seriously!’ The perfect way to get everyone else to express their anger for them and not take responsibility for their feelings.
Blunderbuss
Curses the telephone/computer, slams the receiver down, bangs doors, throws luggage: cusses and swears under their breath; everyone knows they are in a foul mood but they refuse to admit they’re angry. Thinks it’s okay to dump their toxic feelings on everyone or often, doesn’t even realise it.
I personally exhibit all six styles of anger, and I expect many people do too. Certainly my friend showed elements of ‘Blunderbuss’ and ‘Poor Me’, in her anger over losing the tenth pair of gloves.
So, I refer you back to the opening question, ‘Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme, even though I know it’s a healthier option for me and as a result, beneficial to my family, work and overall well-being?’
Is it because you don’t think you have an anger issue? Is it because you think it’s everybody else’s fault? Is it because you are embarrassed by your anger issue? Or is it something else? Are you scared of what you’ll find, if you look deep into yourself and find the real reason why you’re angry in the first place?
Either way, you owe it to yourself and your family to register yourself on an Anger Management Programme, because in the long run, it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself, for your family and for the community and environment you live in.
